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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini
on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then
orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that
it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another
double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis
all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before
you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of
my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." Cell Phone
Ringtones, Mobile Logos, Cheap Walppapers for Nokia ! A
customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant
explains that they don’t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one
from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that
store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one
from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist
asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The
following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant,
when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that
instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."
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101
Ways To Annoy People 1.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks,
write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order
is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends
in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5.
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to
others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your
TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot"
voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each
meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one
will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce
200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup
packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty
miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car
windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17.
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut
training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the
punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information
in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping
noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in
conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you
are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words
"in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster
for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every
action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone
is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,
and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every
available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask
1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of
dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples
backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the
surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve
Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you
can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes
before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies"
over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints
by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation
either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE"
in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet
of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares
on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone
address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer
for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells,
Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says
"Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's
mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture
by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait,
I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others
that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely
handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall
off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that
will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial
things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit
until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for
the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name,
and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front
yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew
on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm
records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your
"superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a
notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94.
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96.
Never make eye contact.
97.
Never break eye contact.
98.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people
with it, announcing the results.
100.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties
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